I've always loved writing and although I haven't kept a diary, as such, for about 10 years I have written down my thoughts, feelings & emotions in many places...in the form of stories, poems or just sporadic releasing.
I have notes & voice memos on my phone, notepads/books coming out of my ears & post it notes galore - if you come to my home there are little sticky reminders everywhere :).
So this year I am choosing to be more SPONTANEOUS.
As an avid over thinker, planner & organiser - which serves me well & has its pride of place, it has also been the cause of missing out on opportunities & experiences as I didn't take chances, take risks or go with the flow.
I've had a pull to open up more & start sharing my real experiences and I'm biting the bullet & starting this blog.
I'm not 100% sure exactly what will follow, but as the name of my blog suggests...I'm in flow state, so here goes...
Being single for 2 years and being active on the dating scene I haven’t had the results I was hoping for.
I've been ghosted, strung along & stood up so many times...needless to say it's pretty frustrating, exhausting & deflating.
Especially as a working single mum - all time is precious but our free-time has an extra limitation.
This particular week I had arranged to meet up with someone & I was quite nervous but excited aswell…I was being spontaneous & doing things a little differently than before.
So I get ready, organise a sitter, and head out for a bit of dutch courage (with some friends) before the meet. I leave my friends early as it's coming to the arranged time.
As I'm walking I call a friend for a pep talk - "just be you Rita, you are confident & in control".
Exactly what I need to hear - I feel good and proud of myself for following through with what I'm saying - be more spontaneous.
As I sit and wait I'm gratefully distracted by my friend on the phone. I look at the time & realise it's nearly an hour past when they were supposed to arrive - I start to think "I hope they are okay and nothing has happened to them…"
Another 10mins goes by & the niggling doubts & overthinking starts & the emotions start to rise - "here we go again"
But I actually handle it really well & am able to slow myself down – "logical present thinking here Rita - just wait & see. It's later & dark - there are deer on the road..."
Another half an hour passes & the realisation & confirmation was made, through other means, that it was in fact being stood up, AGAIN.
Now I'm feeling upset & pissed as I feel the wave of frustration & deflation..."5 ***times this has happened. What the hell"
However as I'm eating the Mexican & drinking the last bit of margarita I took home, yip feeling a tad sorry for myself, something different happened.
Sitting in these feelings my awareness almost instantly shifted to “okay what’s the lesson here, what has this experience came to show me?” - I actually said out loud through slightly gritted teeth.
I believe there’s always something to be taken away from any experience…although it can feel frustrating as hell too - "oh man another lesson right now! - what now!" - which honestly was how I was feeling in that moment.
And then it hit me - It was very clear to me that this experience had no impact on how I felt about myself as a person…
I didn’t have that pang of “see I’m not good enough, Im not deserving"
I didn't have to be aware of my thinking & change my self-talk or the language I was using.
It had no basis on me – it didn’t make me feel not worthy enough or have feelings of lack of worth.
I had a complete sense of self-worth even during the completely expected feelings of frustration.
I didn’t feel less of a person. My worth was not one iota dependant on this.
Is this my lesson..? Is this what I've been needing to realise, feel & know deep down...?
But why would this be a lesson..?
Well because even a month ago I would have experienced feeling down, less than, not enough from a similar experience.
Although I know my worth & have worked extremely hard to overcome trauma & self-worth issues I would have to have shifted my thoughts & thinking to know my worth & enoughness, in this kind of situation.
I hear ya...I finally got the message.
You see the same lesson will re-appear & re-appear until you get it! The longer the 'aha' takes you the more in your face your message will become.
I realised I was no longer coming from a place of I NEED this...
I am now at a place where it’s about I would LIKE to have this in my life, while accepting the journey for what it is.
Ironically this incident has made me feel empowered and even more ready to keep going.
Life is crazy, fascinating & works in mysterious ways - 5th time a charm...
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