Patience is a virtue

I love being a mum it's the best decision I have made to date.

For the first time it's the one thing I don't really second guess my capability on (not in a doubtful, fearful way anyway).

But that doesn't mean I find it easy or I get it 'right'.

I experience every emotion that comes with parenthood - love, happiness, fulfilment, significance, frustration, tiredness, brain fog & anger...

Yet the biggest clash I am experiencing, lately, is IMPATIENCE.

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to stay calm during certain events - tantrums, strong mindedness & little girl independence.

Now I absolutely want my daughter to grow up being a strong, independent woman who knows her mind & can stand up for herself...

But sometimes I feel "yes that's great but not right now please."

In these moments I'm losing sight of any saneness, being reactive, misunderstanding & a bit of a tyrant, if I'm honest:(

It saddens me when I don't have the space to be a calming reasoning influence for her.

Is it the age 4/5...is it a reasonable response? Sometimes, I'm sure, but I am aware that it is happening too often.

As someone who suffered emotional stiffening & emotional abuse as a child I 100% don't want to show up that way with my daughter or impact her in that way.

I get it's part & parcel of motherhood - the ups, downs, highs, lows & everything in-between

And yes I have these anxieties but I know I'm a 'good' mum: I have some learning to do & have room for improvement...

There is always room for improvement - we are never 'perfect' at anything.

There is no set in stone handbook or set in stone guidelines to follow....parenting is challenging & life changing in every possible way.

Reading a book called "The Conscious Parent - Shefali Tsabary" - I am reminded that my reactions & outbursts are on me.

I am currently in a power struggle with a 5 year old (and age has nothing to do with who is going to win or who's wiser tbh, lol).

Because she is so independent and has been since the moment she could be I sometimes forget how young, unaware & innocent she is.

I need to let go of the control...combativeness, power struggles & conflict are all products of control.

What is it I'm being so triggered about, where are my frustrations & control coming from..?

I think back to my childhood where I grew up in a household of fear & control - it was run based on fear - I was too scared to speak up or ask for anything, you knew by the tone of a voice or a side look that you better run and if you were too slow you got it.

I've worked hard & manage my BPD symptoms well but in these situations my temperament has been out of whack.

This situation feels different for me & i'm not happy with it...so what am I going to do about it?

I know this is a trigger because I already posses & use this powerful quality: Patience...

In my work & in my friendships so it's already there to be pulled out when I need.

Sometimes it's difficult when there are constant reminders of the past or you feel you are never breaking from it...

Sometimes it can feel like it's completely penetrated my psyche.

But this parenthood thing has the power to shift, change & release...

I only have to look at the shifts that have already occurred since I was blessed creating life.

Just watching her play & be is inspiring & uplifting - it can lift a mood in an instant & it can change a perception like a switch.

I have already learned so much from her: most of all the ability to see what I need to change & do it.

Each moment is another step up the ladder of self-development & humility.

I am reminded how flawed we are & how imperfect we will always be...that doesn't mean I don't want to change things, it doesn't mean I won't strive to be & do better.

Here I am back at the starting point of the cycle of change (unhappy with my situation).

The cycle we always come back to, when we are ready for a shift.

I am releasing my need to be in control so I can open up more to let her show me what I'm missing.

I am reverting back to my Inner Child Healing practices for understanding, compassion & insight.

I will continue to shift the patterns, the imprints & the generational cycles because I CHOOSE to, especially for her & our future generations.

Ironically she teaches me with such patience & compassion...what a virtue.